I recently had my wisdom teeth removed. Now, common myth indicates these as being the source of elderly-astuteness. It’s easy to understand how this myth folklore developed, but few know its true origins.
Long, long ago in the days of yore, Billy and Jimmy London were playing a game of Jack the Ripper when their pappy walked in. Pappy saw Jimmy chasing Billy with scissors and said, “Whoa, there sonny! Don’t run with scissors!”
Jimmy and Billy froze where they were and watched Pappy leave the room. With their jaws still slack they turned toward one another. Jimmy whispered in awe, “He’s so wise.” Billy silently nodded in agreement.
Jimmy asked, “How can we become wise like that?”
Billy, finally closed his trap so that he could open it again and reply, “We have to figure out what it is that he has that we don’t.”
The boys waited until Pappy fell asleep. It didn’t take long; he was old and napped a lot. Then they thoroughly examined him. After counting many body parts, they made the astounding revelation that Pappy had four more teeth than they did! The next day, they shared this knowledge at school. Then they patiently put their theory to the test, several years later firmly declaring it, “Confirmed.” The London boys and their friends definitely had more sagacity once they had grown their back molars than when they initially made their discovery. Town criers began shouting this news from soap boxes and wandering minstrels sang songs about it. The four back molars became known far and wide as, “wisdom teeth,” and they’re still referred to under that moniker today.
In the days of yore, when the London boys made their discovery, wisdom teeth were not removed on a regular basis. Had they been, Billy and Jimmy might have realized, as I have, that the location of erudition is not the teeth themselves, but the sockets. Now, not everyone is gifted in this manner. For many, the change in acumen is merely from the experience of experience, i.e. living. But for those special few, like myself, there is a deep-super-natural source of ancient wisdom residing within our souls. As we age, this primeval enlightenment bubbles its way to the surface, pooling in the sockets of our back molars. Our teeth act like corks keeping most of this information from slipping out and overwhelming the general public. Occasionally, some facts will squeeze their way past the bouncer-esque molars causing people like Jimmy and Billy to drop their jaws in awe. But, for the most part, the information is kept safely within the vault of the sockets.
So, what happens when one of these gifted individuals has their wisdom teeth removed? The gates are opened and the floods of knowledge surge out. These people tend to become gurus and the stuff of legends. People embark on quests and life-journeys just to talk to them and be privy to some of their scholarship. To guard the general population, these sages will often move themselves to high mountains or other difficult places to reach; those seeking them then have a chance to prepare their minds and bodies for the astounding revelations that will affect them.
As I have joined the ranks of these protectors of wisdom, a similar burden rests on my shoulders. However, I like where I live and would rather not abscond to some far-away location. Thus, I have decided to make the journey to my home more difficult. The city construction crews already block many paths to my home for excessive lengths of time with seemingly no other purpose. I have ordered a moat and a drawbridge. And I am currently interviewing Bridge Keepers who will ask the questions three.*
So, I invite you to come. Expose yourself to the wisdom of the ages that pours forth from my lips. I warn you, however. Your journey will be long and your quest will be difficult. It is not for the faint of heart. But, if you are able to brave the perils and arrive with an open heart, your rewards will be great.
*If you would like to apply, please send me your résumé, a head-shot of your most intimidating expression, and an audition video no longer than 5 minutes.
- My experience with injections: I do Tricks for Treats!
- A humorous poem about the Spoon Theory: Spoon Thief
- A fun game to combat pain: A Zombie-Fighting Military
- Wisdom Teeth Recovery Time (mademan.com)
- Roth giving away wisdom teeth (hollywood.com)